If you are reading this, then you havefallen into those dark thoughts once again. You’re feeling sad, anxious, scared,lost, alone. You don’t understand what is happening or why. You are probablylaying in bed right now not knowing when the last time you left the house was.
Your thoughts are going down a negative path and your cheeks are stained withtears. Or even worse, you are numb to emotions. I know that you never imagined that you’dend up here. You had big plans and bigger dreams, and this was something younever saw coming. It was silent, sneaky. It crawled up on your life like a snakegoing in for the kill. You didn’t see what was happening until you were in toodeep you couldn’t get out.
But I want to remind you of a few things. No one thinks less of you because youstruggle with this. Even when it might seem that you are more alone than everbefore, you have the support of a family who loves you endlessly and friendswho love you crazy. There is an army of people behind you, ready to fight thebattle with you until the very end.
Remember how blessed you are. I know thatit’s hard to wake up in the morning and put a smile on your face for family andfriends. Your body feels heavy, and life seems hopeless and impossible.
But youare not a failure. You have a life that so many dream of, and the potential todo amazing things. Use it. You might call yourself insane for thethoughts that you have, for the way you cope with this illness, but if you’regoing to think of insanity, think of the insane amount of courage it takes tofight this everyday.
Think of the obstacles that you overcome with the smallestof victories. Every smile is a thing of wonder, every day without cuts is causefor celebration, every second that you live to see is miraculous and beautiful. The world would not be better without youin it. There is no laugh like yours, your voice cannot be replicated, yoursmile is breathtakingly unique. No one thinks in exactly the same way, or lovesthe same things. There is no other you, and there will never be another you forall eternity. You were placed here by a perfect and unfailing God for a divineand beautiful purpose; you are fearfully and wonderfully made.I know the darkness is closing in.
First, adulling of color, the world seeming less vibrant than it used to be. Then,muddled variants of grey as the haze of depression engulfs you whole. Finally,black. A darkness so deep you cannot see in front of you, or behind. You feellost. Thoughts flood your mind, telling you that you are not good enough,reminding you of all of your mistakes and failures. Those thoughts are lies.
They are a trap.They pull you in so that you obsess over them, so that you sink lower and giveup. They make you sad and the anxiety spins out of control. It becomes yourreality.
The thoughts that haunt you only pull you down further. Best advice I can give you is to get yourthoughts out. Write them, talk them out with someone you can rely on. Don’truminate, don’t sit there on the couch locked in your thoughts.
That leads topanic attacks, to deeper depression, to a world of negativity. Start doing thethings you love, draw, paint , listen to music, go out with friends and try tobe happy. Don’t get discouraged if you don’t feel theweight lifting quickly. It will not happen right away and overnight, but itdoes get better, I promise you Andie. I know that sounds cliché, but it’s true.The darkness will lift, fade to grey, and then the brightness will fill yourlife again so just Keep fighting.